Feelin' blue with the green eyed monster

I've been really depressed lately. I had such a great time over the holidays, just me and Ms. stu and no classes for either of us. With the way the holidays fell on certain days of the week I had what resembled a more normal work schedule of five days a week. But now that's all over. Were both back in school and work is taking off like fighter jet. (God, that's bad writing.)

I'm in a strange place with my job(s). My nearly full time job pays me next to nothing and I feel constantly overlooked and simultaneously dumped on. I have lots of responsibility, but no authority. My one day a week job is boring me to death. Slowly. I've been haphazardly looking for another job, but the field of public history isn't exactly gangbusters these days. I came sort of close to a director's job over the summer, but ultimately they deemed me too young, too inexperienced, and too everything. The hiring committee said I would make a great director "someday."

Things have gotten bad enough that I even applied for a job outside of public history, but still within the museum field. I find myself to be over qualified for the position, but I doubt I'll even get an interview. I turned my application in by hand on the day it was due. At the end of the week I got a letter informing me that I wouldn't be considered for the job because they claimed that my materials had arrived after the posted deadline. After calling them on Monday the HR person apologized and said that she wasn't in on the day the materials were due and that was the reason for the mistake. Frustrating. In the conversation she informed me that "lots" of people applied for the job. Oh boy.

There's another director's job open, and reading the required and desired qualifications I feel that I am, again, well qualified. But suddenly I'm terrified about applying for the job. What if they don't even respond, what if I get an interview and they pick some else? My ego is large yet extremely fragile, I don't know how much it can take. But most terrifying of all is the possibility that I just make get the job. I'd have to put my money where my big mouth is and be responsible for an organization with a quarter of a million dollar annual budget. I don't deserve that. I am a fraud. To make things more interesting one of my good friends is also going to apply for the job. He's more competent than me, but my specific job duties may give me a small edge. But he's well known throughout the state and knows a lot about these types of jobs. But, if he were to get the job I would kill to have his job. He travels some, but not too much. He gets to go to conferences, and he gets to meet just about everyone in the state who's in this crappy little field.

Compounded on all of this is the recent professional successes of two of my friends. One took a new job in the governor's office. Our governor's a well groomed scumbag who is balancing the state's budget on the backs of the poor, but he's slated for bigger and better things nationally. My friend, unfortunately, is on the other side of the political aisle from me. But he's got a hefty raise from working else where for the money changers and he's feeling good. Fuck 'im.

My other friend has just accepted a position that will increase his annual salary by like 60%. He was already making $10,000 more per year than me (that's with my TWO jobs, mind you). Now he's going to be making Somewhere between $70,000 and $80,000 per year. And he's three years younger than me.

I try not to begrudge my friends there success. They are bright, intelligent people. But I know that they are no better than me. One has a JD, but the one make the big money only has his BA. Well, that and the networking abilities of a cable modem (does that make sense, or is that a bad metaphor?).

I know I'm not alone here

Fuck, this blogging stuff ain't as easy as I make it look with my steady flow of posts. Heh heh.

Lots going on in my life right now. Started a new semester in my hated masters program. Applied for and am applying for a new job. My best friend outside of my wife has seen his love life cast upon the rocky shores of reality. My grandpa is close to dying. My other good friend broke his ribs in a drinking mishap that I was involved in. So with all these meaty topics to blog on which one will I choose?

Girl Scout Cookies. My wife's second cousin once removed's daughter (I'm not sure what that makes us) is selling Girl Scout Cookies. We decided to purchase four boxes. But as I excitedly relayed the order to Ms. stu I realized that the fever was false. Girl Scout Cookies taste terrible. Their waxy, dry, and terribly expensive. Most kids don't even sell them anymore anyway. You can buy them at grocery store or from any of the "moms" that lurk in your staff lunchroom, zeroing in on the hapless colleagues with a sales sheet. But every year we buy them. If not from distant relations than from the neighbor kids, or my in-laws neighbor kids. Bah. I'm stuck. Ignoring the girl scout typhoon is about as effective as voting for a Democrat.